Mass Market Paperback Trash TV

It's all the rage! Let's take a long-running series and turn it into "prestige" TV, and by prestige, I mean it's on Amazon Prime or Netflix only. I dunno, maybe others. But all of them had one origin: some Hollywood forgot their phone in the taxi on the way to the airport, but their assistant is taking care of that, so they drop by those book kiosks in their terminal and pick up the book with the cover that speaks to them the most. They then pay 4 times the worth of the book before stumbling in front of all the peons in coach when they board the plane. Two martinis before the door's closed, and they are already 100 pages into whatever trashy mass-market paperback they purchased, and then it hits them like BOOM MOTHERFUCKER: this will make a great TV show. So let's take a look at what has come and what is coming, and I will tell you whether it's worth your time to watch it.

Jo Nesbo's Detective Hole

Based on Jo Nesbø's Harry Hole Scandic Noir series.
Have I read them? God no.
The Verdict: So I hated this. I wrote about it, but it was one of my first posts and I was just stroking something out, but god I've grown to hate it so much. Part of it is the fact that Jo Nesbø was really into the creation of the show, and I think it's an argument for artists to let go of their work when it's adapted. But he fucked up and we got The Snowman, and I guess he's now forever paranoid about his baby. Since I wrote about this, I will just tell you about one scene that I keep laughing about after a month or whatever. In the last episode, one of the bad guys is in one location, and I don't remember why, but Detective Harry Hole is in another location, but on the roof and it's raining like a mother fucker. Hole really takes his time to get down off that roof and into the house he's trying to enter because, as best as I can recollect, the bad guy I mentioned earlier has the time to relocate from one location that's been suggested is pretty far away to another place that's pretty close to Detective Hole. It was like a spoof of a suspense scene. I give this show 1 fuck.

Reacher

Based on Lee Child's Reacher series of novels.
Have I read them? Fuck. No.
The Verdict: This is a very entertaining show, but a lot of that has to do with Alan Ritchson being this mammoth wall of a man that people try to boss around. My favorite quote from the series is just "no." Reacher says it a lot in Season 1 when bad guys ask him to do ridiculous things like "get in the trunk," and it never got old. I think they need more scenes like this in the show, tbh. Look, I'm not going to pretend this is some really slick action romp. Each season is about 6 episodes too long, but it's still entertaining. But literally if they had cast anyone else in this role, it would suck. I give it 3 fucks. Plus 1 fuck because I still remember him as Aquaman from Smallville.

Cross

Based on the Alex Cross novels by James Patterson
Have I read them? One.
The Verdict: I really liked Kiss The Girls when it came out, so Alex Cross was on the radar. Ashley Judd is in it, and my god she was just terrific in all those gormless thrillers of that era. I had a gay crush on her, so I wasn't going to miss it, and it's a genuinely good mystery, in my opinion. I walked out of Along Came A Spider. I saw Alex Cross but don't remember any of it other than the dude from Lost looking really fucking jacked and maybe on heroin? When the show came out, I didn't know it was going to be a thing, but you are introduced to Alex Cross, played by Aldis Hodge. Yeah, I can stop right there. Aldis Hodge is not Morgan Freeman. Hodge is more like a sophisticated, socially adjusted Reacher, but a different shade. He's fucking beautiful. And that first scene, which I won't spoil, really makes you love the character. I remember fuck all about S1 except Aldis Hodge. S2 has a more memorable and timely plot, so I guess this one 4 fucks.

Scarpetta

Based on the Kay Scarpetta Novels by Patricia Cornwell
Have I read them? Tried.
The Verdict: This was some zany shit. Human mannequin Nicole Kidman plays Scarpetta, and like many of these "prestige" TV shows, there are flashbacks, and in the flashbacks Scarpetta is played by Rosy McEwen who actually has a pleasant voice and can emote. Jamie Lee Curtis plays Scarpetta's sister, and you can tell she's having a good time playing the worst person in the series, and that includes multiple serial killers, people constantly wanting Scarpetta fired, and The Mentalist. I shouldn't rag on Simon Baker though. He was in the excellent Australian mini-series Boy Swallows Universe, which is so much better than this hot garbage. I mean, like, in the books is Scarpetta under constant threat of being fired from her job because they make a really big deal about it in season 1. I thought she was supposed to be the best forensic pathologist in the world? I dunno. I won't be watching season 2. So zero fucks.

Lincoln Lawyer

Based on the series of novels by Mike Connelly
Have I read them? No. I did not know these were books.
The Verdict: I liked the Matthew McConaughey movie, and I was aware of the series, but I haven't watched it. Manuel Garcia-Rulfo plays the Lincoln Lawyer in question, and he does not have the gravitational pull of McConaughey. Sorry, buddy. It's produced by David E. Kelley, and I lived through the 90s so I haven't forgiven him yet.

Harlan Coben's [NAME]

Based on the books by Harlan Coben
Have I read them? lol Never.
The Verdict: I've watched a couple of these, and they all seem to star Richard Armitage, the only good-looking dwarf in the whole Lord of the Rings/Hobbit megalith. There's also another very thin, silver-haired British man. These mini-series are confusing as fuck. It seems like any other domestic melodrama until SURPRISE you meet your own twin. Or SURPRISE that bad thing you can barely remember from your secondary school days is more memorable than you think. Some of these are good, but most are really shitty. They all run together into one string of gruel that's fed into your eyeballs. The best thing I can think to compare these mini-series to are soap operas, and I mean that in a kind way. They are like condensed soap operas involving missing teenage girls who secretly have a drug problem and/or is sleeping with the absolute worst person in Belfast. I rate the lot of them a single fuck.

The Night Agent

Based on the book The Night Agent by Matthew Quirk
Have I read it? No. I put it on this list guessing it might be a book series and am surprised to find it's a standalone book.
The Verdict: Okay, so the show isn't perfect, but much like Reacher and Cross, Gabriel Basso is like catching lightning in a bottle. Basso plays Peter Sutherland, who ends up in a job where he's just supposed to answer a phone in the basement of the White House if it rings, and if it rings, something really bad is happening. Gabriel Basso's Sutherland is like every single Eagle Scout in history condensed into one man. He has unwavering ethics, and Basso makes this work. He's like the big brother we all wish we had. But also, somehow Basso makes Sutherland seem totally plausible as a real person, which is very much not like Reacher and Cross. My only beef with The Night Agent is that the casting, other than Basso, is really weird. Is this filmed in some new Canadian province of which I am unaware, and they are just drawing on the talent pool in that area? Like the guy who plays the president alone deserves a merit badge for terrible casting. Despite the casting, I'm giving this show 5 whole fucks.

Day of the Jackal

Based on the novel Day of the Jackal by Frederick Forsyth
Have I read it? Yes.
The Verdict: I wasn't really aware of the 1973 film adaptation until I saw the terrifically sleazy Bruce Willis and Richard Gere 1997 version simply called The Jackal. I read the book after that and finally saw the kind of boring but procedurally interesting 1973 movie years later. And then we got the prestige television show with Lashana Lynch and fragile and haunted Victorian porcelain murder doll Eddy Redmayne. Okay, so first, we know this material can be adapted in two hours, but they drag it over 400 episodes... and then the ending. I don't think I've ever been so mad about an ending than I was with this show. That includes god damn Lost, which hurts. 0 fucks given.

Citadel

Is this based on a book? Maybe a graphic novel? It seems like it.
Have I read it? I dunno. Maybe.
The Verdict: So this Prime series is basically trying to jumpstart its own spy franchise, and it's not unwatchable. But I will be honest, I don't remember much about the first season other than there are the good guys, Citadel, and the bad guys, Manticore. Manticore is run by billionaires, so I guess I'm team Citadel, although how do they afford all the shit they have? They make a point of NOT being government involved, so maybe they have fundraisers. I was not going to watch the second season until I saw that Matt "CLEM FANDANGO!" Berry was going to be in it. He's so adorable I will watch him in anything that's not by Joann. But because he's bearish and cute and lovable, I am sure he will be killed before the end of this season. Stanley Tucci is also in this, and despite looking like he could box Rocky and knock him the fuck out, he sounds as old as Patrick Stewart. Tucci, Stewart, and Kidman all suffer from the same vocal problem, which I will call Elder Vocalizations for no apparent reason. Kidman is only 5 years older than me, but she sounds like she could voice E.T.: The Extraterrestrial when it's eventually made into a prestige TV show. 10 Fucks until Berry is killed off.

Man on Fire

Based on a series of novels by A.J. Quinnell
Have I read it? No, but I've wanted to.
The Verdict: Denzel Washington and Tony Scott's 2004 adaptation is one of my favorite Washington performances. He plays just a great world-class fuck-up who lights Mexico City on fire to save little Dakota Fanning before Quentin Tarantino violated our collective innocence by showing her dirty feet in Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. His was the only version of John Creasy I had seen until this year's prestige Man on Fire television show dropped on Netflix. I had high hopes because Yahya Abdul-Mateen II was pretty hot coming off of the unexpectedly mind-blowingly great Wonder Man television show which made me care about Wonder Man (a useless comic character) and Trevor Slattery, the actor who played The Mandarin in Iron Man III, and who I had little use for after that. But back to the Man on Fire TV show: Like Washington's Creasy, Abdul-Mateen is a terrific fuck-up who blames himself for the laughably horrific mission he's running point on going tits up. He's given a second chance by dooger Bobby Cannavalle. He's off to Brazil to do security work (?) with Cannavalle's character, but before the end of the first episode Creasy is burning Rio down to try to find Cannavalle's daughter, Poe. Half of that last sentence is a lie. Creasy finds himself doing his best to keep Poe out of danger from shadowy but totally obvious nefarious forces within the Brazilian government. He protects her BY CONSTANTLY KEEPING HER IN DANGER. I mean, fuck. Just thinking about it gives me a headache. Also, whoever did the costumes for this show should receive a stern lecture. I give this -100 fucks.

In Development

Bannerman

Based on the series of books by John R. Maxim
Have I read them? Oh yeah.
The Verdict: AMC just announced development on this, and having read the books, I'm thrilled. If you watched the Jason Bourne movies and then decided to read the books, you were probably perplexed because the Bourne novels have little to do with the movies other than featuring a character named Jason Bourne. Bannerman, which is being pitched as Jason Bourne meets The Expendables, delivers. The books are so clever and fun I have often wondered why they haven't been adapted yet. What's great about the Bannerman books is that the United States government fucking suuuuuucks. I hope this makes it to the screen as I've been waiting a long time for this. To add a cherry on top of it, Shane Black is involved. If you don't know his name, don't worry, you know his work. He's been in the industry for years both writing and directing and has a distinctive voice. He's also behind some of the funniest action films out there. He was an uncredited script doctor on Die Hard. He wrote The Last Boy Scout and The Long Kiss Goodnight. He wrote and directed Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and The Nice Guys. And he directed Iron Man III, which is the best Iron Man movie. Make it happen because I give all the fucks about this project.

Mack Bolan: The Executioner!

Based on the character created by Don Pendleton
Have I read them? Some, but there's over 600 novels so lmao
The Verdict: Don Pendleton created The Executioner Mack Bolan way back in 1969, and this character has done everything. I first became aware of them because my vile shitberg step-dad collected these books like my mom did Harlequin romance novels. These books were so popular that when Don Pendleton sold the rights to Golden Eagle, a division of Harlequin, they had ghostwriters pumping this badass adventurer's novels out monthly. Yes, 12 fucking books a year with Pendleton's name on it. The setup alone is tragic and amazing. Bolan was in Vietnam being the softest, nicest sniper when his dad got in deep with the West Massachusetts Mafia. He owed them money, which led Bolan's younger sister to offer to pay back the loans of her father for $35 a week. When this wasn't enough, they forced her into sex work. Johnny, Mack's younger brother, finds out about this and confronts dad about what he's done to the family. The end result is Mr. Bolan shooting both his children and then killing himself. Only Johnny survives to tell the tale to The Executioner, Mack. Mack then systematically destroys the mafia. That was his deal at first. Lots of mafia showdowns, but then he went global. If this seems somehow familiar it's because The Punisher Frank Castle was absolutely based on the exploits of The Executioner Mack Bolan. He's considered the United States' James Bond, and while I love James Bond, the sheer breadth of Bolan's adventures is overwhelming. He goes on to work with shadowy government agencies. He goes out on his own. He shoots people from the top of rampaging elephants. Mack Bolan is nuts. And another cherry: Shane Black is involved in this as well. I hope they go full looney-tunes with this one. They could make it prestige serious, but these books are so over-the-top and corny, they don't merit a serious adaptation. Go gonzo or go home. Just look at this insanity.