Marvel's Missing Big Boys

I'm so glad The Thing was finally introduced to the Marvel Cinematic Universe last year. He's been my favorite Marvel character (along with Moon Knight and a few below) since I started reading comics in the 1970s. Last millennium. And, I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but I've had a crush on The Thing for just as long. Look, he's a big bulky man who is the ever-lovin' heart of the Fantastic Four. I love the fact that he has that rocky exterior, but is a big ol' puddle of gooey love on the inside. What's not to love about him?

Amazingly, all of you reading this think that Wolverine is probably the most popular Marvel hero. Or maybe Spider-Man. But there was a period in the 70s and early 80s where The Thing surpassed both in popularity. Like Spider-Man, The Thing was covered across several titles, though not always at the same time. But Fantastic Four and Marvel Two-in-One both ran concurrently with the latter partnering The Thing with another hero every issue. He even had his own side gig as the Head of Security for Project Pegasus, which got a name drop in Captain Marvel.

But the real reason I love him wasn't because he was popular. It was because he was a thicc boy. Jack Kirby was goofy for these types of characters having invented The Thing, Darkseid (DC, I know), The Hulk, multiple Fantastic Four and Thor villains. John Byrne shared his love of this archetype. I'm not sure if he was inspired by Kirby or not, but how could you not be?

Now we segue to what people keep telling you isn't popular anymore: the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I still love most MCU movies though The Marvels and Quantumania were inexcusably bad. And I also don't get the whole Agatha All Along love. Kathryn Hahn is terrific, but I'm not sure she should be the lead as opposed to a foil.

But where the MCU has really dropped the ball is with our thicc boys. Thanos was lankier than his comic book counterpart. Volstagg, played by the criminally hot and sadly deceased Ray Stevenson, was a pencil compared to the comic book version. And we've had various hints and appearances of the chums that I STILL NEED TO SEE.

Beta Ray Bill

Look, the MCU seemed determined to speed through its best storylines as quickly as possible. We ended up with really compressed versions of amazing stories like Demon in the Bottle, Dark Phoenix (Fox, I know, but you know MCU would have gone there), Civil War, which was good but not nearly as epic or weirdly off-putting as the comic. Fortunately they didn't rush to shove Beta Ray Bill in there. Beta Ray Bill came about because during Walter Simonson's legendary run on The Mighty Thor, he was interested in the idea of who else could wield Mjolnir. It turned out that character was a horse-faced Korbinite who was one of the last remaining members of his race. But the important thing is this: he was worthy. Odin knew it. Even Thor knew it. So Thor Odinson took a backseat in his own comic for someone else to have a chance for a change, sheesh. We got an easter egg of Beta Ray Bill (along with another character on this list) in Thor: Ragnarok, but I hope that isn't it. Thor and Beta Ray Bill consider themselves brothers, and that would be an interesting dynamic to explore in contrast to Thor's relationship with Loki, whom he can never fully trust.

Horse-faced alien warrior in golden armor and red cape charges forward, swinging the hammer Mjolnir with explosive energy trails.

Sasquatch

Sasquatch is one of the coolest characters from one of John Byrne and Chris Claremont's dumbest ideas. You see, in the comics, Wolverine is defiantly Canadian. Like I'm surprised they didn't put him in a uniform that was red and white. Or call him Maplevorine. It comes up over and over in his early appearances, and one of the biggest stories about Wolverine is, oh god, the secret superhuman program in Canada called Department H. They were responsible for rounding up Canada's various heroes and putting them on super teams like Alpha Flight, Beta Flight... and yes, there is an Omega Flight. Look, it's a silly concept. Claremont and Byrne wanted a team that could go "toe to toe" with The X-Men, and Byrne (and maybe Claremont?) was Canadian and so we have a really epic super team from Canada called Alpha Flight.

deep breath

Sasquatch is their tank. Dr. Walter 'Walt' Langkowski, one of Marvel's few Jewish superheroes, is a bio-physicist or something. I dunno. But even after seeing what became of Bruce Banner, he experiments with Gamma Rays on himself. He doesn't turn big and green. Instead he turns orange and hairy for reasons that can only be for him to match the theme of his team.

Look, it may be a silly concept, but Alpha Flight is anything but a silly comic. These characters from top to bottom rock, and they even feature one of Marvel's very few gay characters, Northstar. Sasquatch is very much like a smart Hulk, but with the agility of X-Men's Beast. He, like every other member of Alpha Flight, is a terrific and fun character. So I'll be waiting, Kevin.

Bold white and red "X-Men Alpha Flight" text centered on a blue background with a faint Canadian maple leaf watermark.

Maestro

Speaking of Hulk, let's take a trip to the future for the sexy version of the Hulk: Maestro. In a mere two-issue written by Peter David and illustrated by George Pérez, a legend was created. Our Incredible Hulk was flung far into the future where he meets the evil version of him that has conquered planet Earth. He was a silver fox AND evil, which is such a wonderful combination in thicc boy comic characters.

Close-up of an aged, green-skinned Hulk with white hair and a full white beard, scowling menacingly against a neutral background.

Box

Box is a later addition to Alpha Flight, but he deserves his own mention. Box not only has an incredibly cool design, he's also piloted by the disabled Roger Bochs, who lost both his legs. He is super strong. He can fly. He's the tank when Sasquatch is having an existential crisis. What impresses me about the design is that it does that organic metal look we are used to from old Iron Man comics and Colossus, but this is not someone you'd confuse as a man in a suit. No, Box reads as a robot, not a suit, and I think that was by Roger Bochs' design. But I also love Box because it's a new take on the superhero dream for me. A disabled person who pilots an incredibly powerful robot, just livin' the life with other superheroes and being a total badass. And I don't mean Bochs remote controls the Box armor. No, he phases into it. Dude must have killer upper arm strength because he just tosses himself in the air and phases into the machine. So fucking cool.

The massive red and silver Box robot flies above Roger Bochs, a heavyset red-haired man with amputated legs seated in a motorized wheelchair.

Devil Dinosaur

I dunno, I think there's a cartoon for Devil Dinosaur and Moon Girl, and now it seems very geared toward the Sesame Street crowd WHICH IS FINE. Since Big Hero 6, I have advocated for a Marvel Animated Cinematic Universe that could produce movies and TV shows for the Pixar set: Power Pack, Devil Dinosaur and Moon Girl, Great Lakes Avengers, Squirrel Girl if you are into her though you very much should not be.

But when I was a young'un, it was Devil Dinosaur and Moon Boy, who was like a weird monkey boy? It's probably offensive now whatever he was. And I know nothing about Devil Dinosaur other than he's a red tyrannosaurus rex but intelligent and loyal to the moon children.

A red T-Rex with massive teeth and a hairy primitive companion. An added thought bubble reads "AM I PROBLEMATIC?"

Blob

Look I know Blob appeared in Fox's shittiest X-Men movie, and they did exactly what you'd expect Hollywood to do with a fat character: made him disgusting and put a thin man in a latex fat suit. Yes, the Blob of the comics is enormously fat, but does he have to be? Imagine a world class actor like Chris Farley. FUCK. Okay, Philip Seymour Hoffman. WHAT? God damn it. Wait. JOHN CANDY! Shitgoddamnit. Orson Welles--nope, him too. James Corden? Wait, he's alive? But fuck no. He's as entertaining as bird shit. Anyway maybe we find an unknown for this role.

Blue Marvel

Out of all the heroes on this list, Blue Marvel has the most radical and tragic origin. In Marvel comics, he was a Superman level hero in the years leading up to the debut of the Fantastic Four which launched the Marvel Comic's universe. But Adam Brashear was Black, and even in the fairy tale land of Marvel Comics, no one liked that. He wore a helmet to protect not his identity, but his skin color. When that was damaged and he was exposed as a Black man, no one wanted a Blue Marvel anymore. He was tucked away under government protection with a wife who was just around to spy on him. He was almost completely forgotten and only came back out in the open when his arch-nemesis showed up again and no one knew how to stop him.

A Black superhero in a blue costume flies forward with blue energy crackling from both fists against a golden cosmic background.

Honestly, it's the most real and frustrating origin of any Marvel hero, and Marvel heroes have some weird and fucked up origins. Now he's back in the mainstream and has a little bit of a well-deserved chip on his shoulder, but he's one of the most bad ass heroes around, and the MCU needs him.

Man-Thing (with the caveat)

I know Man-Thing appeared in Werewolf by Night, and that was terrific fun, and I was so proud of my favorite film composer Michael Giacchino doing such a terrific job on directing duties, but Imma be honest with you. I need much more Man-Thing in my Marvel Cinematic Universe. Man-Thing was first to be published in the convergent thinking that led to the creation of Swamp Thing around the same time. And I love Swamp Thing too, but he's a little too psychedelic for me. What appealed to me about Man-Thing's first run was that it reminded my quite a bit of the TV show The Incredible Hulk with Bill Bixby as David Banner. Man-Thing's comics were like little moral fables where terrible people were going to do terrible things to good people, but they just happened to be in the Everglades, and by the end of the comic, Man-Thing pops up, burns the villains and wham bam thank you ma'am. Yes, I said burns because "WHOEVER KNOWS FEAR BURNS AT THE TOUCH OF MAN-THING". That was a pretty big thing they left out of Werewolf by Night.

Marvel made Man-Thing even cooler in the 1980s by putting The Nexus of All Realities inside him. Basically, Man-Thing is a teleporter so he's not always stuck in the swamp anymore. Man-Thing also has that old school tragedy of The Thing, a normal man stuck in what he perceives to be an unlovable body, but Ted Sallis, who became Man-Thing, has it worse because he barely has a consciousness. He's just a force looking to burn out people who fear him and coincidentally save coeds.