The 1980s Were Weird, Man
Hey, I love the 80s. It's my favorite decade if we were to remove Ronald Reagan and AIDS. And it's not what you think it was like, young reader. It wasn't all pink and teal and Memphis Design and Cocaine Cowboys. I mean those things were there, but a lot of that was marketing that has outlasted the decade, or never really existed at all.
Take Synthwave music for instance. Yes there was the Tron soundtrack, but the Tron soundtrack was not synthwave. It was a typical movie soundtrack that used synthesizers. But that could describe half the movie or television soundtracks at the time. My brother in Christ, there was an entire fucking movie called Chariots of Fire that only won Best Picture at the Academy Awards because of the theme song performed on a synthesizer. It was ridiculous.
If you are thinking of synthwave as being an 80s kind of thing, it's mostly because of the popularity of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City and Daft Punk.
The 1980s wasn't as gritty as the 1970s. People by 1980 had learned to cut their hair, trim or shave their beards, and clean their fingernails, but there was still some dirty under that gloss. You can see it in the prestige dramas, tv or film, of the earlier part of the decade. Think Hill Street Blues, St. Elsewhere, or The Verdict. And at the start of the decade there was this whole embarrassing infatuation with the South and the West. Everyone has heard of Dukes of Hazzard, but god damn those gaybies were riding round with a confederate flag on the roof of their car. The flip side of that was The Fall Guy, which was very much a modern western and not problematic.
But what's really weird (and funny) about the 80s is all the shit you think you've forgotten, but it's just buried there.
The Phoenix (1981): In a weird case of convergent evolution, the 1980s opened with two telepathic and telekinetic heroes named Phoenix. The one from the X-Men had been around for a little while, but one of the X-Men's most famous stories was the Dark Phoenix saga which was published in 1980. Around the same time there was another Phoenix hitting television, starring Judson Scott, in the titular role of The Phoenix. Yes he was The Phoenix but his character was technically named Bennu of the Golden Light. He was basically an alien who was entombed on Earth many thousand years ago, and once he escaped from his "tomb" he had to find his partner Mira so they could fuck and save the planet or something. He also had super powers, but this was basically a riff on The Incredible Hulk which was a riff on The Fugitive. But with way more triangles.
The Master (1984): Lee Van Cleef is best known as The Bad in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (poor Eli Wallach). But get this, in the 1980s at the age I am now mid 50-something, he became the first white Ninja Master and they thought this would be a good show. Look, I never liked Lee Van Cleef that much because he was the spitting image of my step-dad who was a prick, and like my step-dad he had no business trying to do fucking ninja stuff. It was really obviously a stunt double. BUT, he drove around the country looking for asses to be ninja whooped in a cherry custom van with a sidekick played by Timothy Van Patten.
Best of the West (1981): This was a really good show and it didn't last. I consider it part of the Back to the Future trilogy because Christopher Lloyd had a recurring role as The Calico Kid... and it also took place in the old west like the third part of that crap over-rated trilogy. Like guys, let it go. It was one decent movie that was kind of skeevy. Move on.
Santa Barbara (1984): I know Santa Barbara lasted into the 1990s but, my gosh, a new soap debuting in the summer of 1984 was like catnip for young gays and I guess girls as well. The twist on Santa Barbara is that instead of taking place at a General Hospital or being about The Young & The Restless, it took place in Santa Barbara and was basically a soap version of Romeo and Juliet. The Romeo in this case was A Martinez to his Juliet, and future Princess Buttercup, Robin Wright. OH THE PASTELS.
The "By Mennen" Jingle (1980s): There were many great ad campaigns in the 1980s. I was particularly fond of two: the fast talking Fed-Ex spokesman and the two old fellers from The Bartles and Jaymes Wine Cooler ads. They were like next generation Smuckers guys. Homey. One of them would be good for a good snuggle on a rainy Sunday afternoon. But there were other ads that burrowed into your brain like the By Mennen ads. It was three fucking notes, and you heard them enough for them to be lodged into your brain for the rest of eternity.
The Incredible Shrinking Woman (1981): Look I know most of you probably know about this one. It had Lily Tomlin and Charles Grodin and Ned Beatty (rawr!) who are two very funny people, but you know what got lodged in my head more than By Mennen?
E.T. the Musical: Speaking of shitty music, everyone remembers E.T. The Extraterrestrial. But do you remember E.T. The Extraterrestrial: The Musical? Of course not because there was no such thing, but two artists were so inspired by Steven Spielberg's Christ-like fable about a young boy who befriends a disgusting blob of an alien who just wants to phone home that they rushed into their studios to record music about it. Neil Diamond did Heartlight... which he was promptly sued by Universal for releasing because only the little brown (then white (then brown again)) blob could have a heartlight. Michael Jackson took it one step further. He worked on an entire album with Steven Spielberg and John Williams. The amazing thing about this though is that this boxed movie tie-in was set to be released the same month as Thriller. Oops. Epic, who distributed Thriller, sued MCA, who released the monstrosity below, and had the special storybook narrated by Michael Jackson pulled from shelves. It still peaked on Billboard at #37. I used to have this, guys. I had this boxed set and it was garbage and I looked out the back window of my home every night hoping for a friend. I MEAN A FRIEND LIKE ET. I HAD FRIENDS, I SWEAR.
"Where's Herb?" (1985): This was a suggestion by a friend because I barely remember this. But Herb was supposed to be the last guy on planet earth who ate a Whopper from Burger King. If you spotted Herb, who looked like the guy in the office who would drop pennies on the ground to look up your skirt, you were meant to run, run, run. No actually if you spotted him you won $5,000 which in today's money is about $14,000. But honestly they couldn't have picked a creepier looking fella to play Herb. He looks like he came out his mom's vagina wrong.
The White House Astrologer (1981–1988): I met Nancy Reagan during a Youth Evangelism conference called DC '88. I had been going to church (many many Ned Beattys in suits!) for about a year, and our pastor was a man named Wallace Henley who served in the Nixon Administration as a staff assistant. This got us access not only to Chuck Colson's Prison Ministries but also to The White House. I wasn't thrilled about the entire trip, but I would definitely choose the company of the delightful ex-cons I met through Chuck Colson than Nancy Reagan, who had the audacity to think that offering us jelly beans would satiate our need to meet Ronald Reagan who was probably forgetting he was napping by that point. The real reason I didn't want to meet Nancy is that after Reagan got shot and unfortunately survived, people found out that Nancy was using Astrology to guide the day to day activities of the president, and gosh that's sinful. Also as an inquisitive young man I had already read Randy Shilts' terrifying And The Band Played On. I didn't want to be there.
Steve Martin Used to Be Funny: I oftentimes say to people who ask me, and many do, that comedy died when John Candy did. All of those cats from the late 70s and early 80s were funny as hell, but then Candy passed away and it seemed like those comedians' need to do humor died with him. Steve Martin is a particularly egregious case of this. Believe it or not the unfunny silver haired man from Only Murders in the Building and Bluegrass Banjo Extraordinaire used to churn out one ridiculously juvenile comedy after another. Oftentimes directed by the late Carl Reiner, father of the also late Rob Reiner. My particular favorite is Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid. But starting with The Jerk and promptly ending right before Father of the Bride, Steve Martin was actually a comedian.
Weren't the 1980s weird?
