Holy Thursday, Batman!

Today is Holy Thursday, also known as Maundy Thursday, because back in biblical times there was a lad no one liked named Maundy. He used to tell on other kids, and the other kids picked up on this habit. Any time someone ratted someone else out, they would be all, "is he doing the thing? is he doing a Maundy?" And so, after Judas Iscariot (the only surname you can remember from the disciples, I bet) sold out Jesus for thirty pieces of silver, all the other disciples were really fucking bummed. But then John, the disciple whom Jesus loved, said without thinking, "Judas pulled a Maundy." It brightened everyone's spirits for a few moments.

I wasn't raised Catholic, so Lent, Fat Tuesday, Maundy Thursday, and all that other crap is all new to me. It's fun because I learn a little more each year. Having lived in a Latin American country where everyone is born Catholic for 6 years now, it's interesting to see how people take it so seriously. We went to a grocery store today and the Uber driver asked if the store would even be open, because "no one is working." We assured her it was open, but also pointed out that she was currently working.

The grossest thing about Holy Thursday is the washing of the feet, which is called Mandatum. Bare feet are nasty, I don't care who you are. It was cool that Papa Frank washed the feet of sex workers and gays, whereas this new Chicago Pope has chosen to go back to the tradition of washing the feet of other priests. It doesn't seem as cool or special, though I bet it’s a lot better than washing the crusty-ass feet of a bunch of flip-flop-wearing Italians. Bleh.

In celebration of Holy Thursday, I've decided to give you a list of why Jesus doesn't love you and why you will never have your feet washed by the Pope.

• Middle Managers: You're unneeded and no one, especially not Jesus, loves you.
• The Public "Speakerphone" User: Don't talk on speakerphone in public. In fact, don't talk to anyone on your phone even when not using a speakerphone. People want silence, and you are the opposite of that.
• People Who Block Aisles: When I lived in Indiana, this seemed to be a sport for the natives. I would be walking down an aisle at a grocery store or pharmacy and people would purposely step in front of me. Fucking assholes. Jesus don't love you.
• Christoph Waltz: Come on, people; he was good in one movie with a part that was basically tailor-made for him. Y'all aren't annoyed with him yet?
• "I Don't Like Popular Things" People: This is the one I fall into. Like, fuck off, Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga. You're both fake as fuck. Gaga, step away from the "gay icon" status, please. You only come over for brunch when you need to sell records, so back the fuck off. Sheesh.
• Chubby Men Who Are Not Into Me: You think you're so special, huh? Is that it? You think you're better than me, and I'm some uggo? I mean, I'm not gonna be ignored, Dan!
• Billionaires: Oh man, you guys can suck a big round turd. Jesus don't like you none.
• Any President Since Lincoln: Eat shit, you warmongering motherfuckers.

In the spirit of the long Catholic weekend, I will say there is one person I know who deserves to have his feet washed: my husband, who is a saint among men. Just don't ask me to wash them.

Now enjoy this animation of Pope Batman jumping up and down.