Amazing News
I was doom-scrolling through the Google News app, and for some reason, The Daily Beast is forever attaching the wrong photo to their articles—unless, of course, Netflix has officially become a tourist hotspot for apex predators. This happens regularly enough that I show the mismatched headlines and images to my unamused husband. I won’t stop. One day, they had the same image of a woman for every single article; I didn't know who she was, and none of the headlines matched the image. THE HILARITY.
On a more serious note: how fucking cool is it that sharks are out swimming in some tourist hotspot, blitzed off their cartilage on cocaine? It would probably be like Jabberjaw! Remember Jabberjaw??
Like every child exposed to Jaws in the theater at too young an age, I was obsessed with sharks once I got over the fear they could be in my bath. I was only three when I saw the movie. My two older brothers sat behind me and, as a "funny" joke, they would fill their straws with soda and then fling the liquid at the back of my head. When I turned back to their giggling visages, they assured me we were watching the movie in "Wet-O-Vision". I believed this for a long time. I know, it's really stupid, but I was only three.
Jaws made me want to be a marine biologist from the age of seven until I was twelve, which is when I learned I had a talent for drawing superheroes in the same pose over and over. At that point, I decided I wanted to be a comic book penciller. The other twelve-year-olds in my friend group couldn’t believe I could draw such "terrific" images. In my mind, I was the future John Byrne or Art Adams; they were my favorites.
As someone who spent five years of his youth as an aspiring marine biologist, I consider myself somewhat of an expert on all matters of the ocean and, to a lesser extent, animal biology. My mom has passed away, but if she were alive and you met her, she'd certainly tell you about the time she asked me, "How come you never see hummingbirds land?" I confidently answered, "Because they don't have feet." She believed this for about six months before someone corrected her. Boy, was she angry. I mean so angry that she never missed an opportunity to bring it up to anyone for no reason whatsoever. But really, what kind of question is that for a kid?
My father was somewhat encouraging of my obsession. We visited SeaWorld in two different locations and the Scripps Institution of Oceanography, which I thought was amazing. That was where I planned to go when it was time for university. Instead, I had six more hellish years of grade school to smother any remaining enthusiasm for life before deciding to go to the University of Texas to study English Literature because I loved reading, I guess?
Because of that shark obsession, I learned early on that they aren't nearly as dangerous as depicted in movies and books. Peter Benchley, the author of Jaws, eventually realized this too; he released a book called Shark Trouble to try and assuage the public's fear. Predictably, it wasn't as popular as the one about the man-eater, where most shark attacks happen in less than three feet of water.
Regarding Benchley, he also wrote a book called The Island which they made into a movie, it's about the weirdest shit you will ever see. Here's the trailer. This movie could have been written by a shark really fucking high on cocaine.
I know sharks can be dangerous, obviously, but I’ve been diving with them and, for the most part, they seem skittish. Or, more likely, sharks just don't like me.
Back when I was young and the world was free, I told people I didn't want a doctorate in marine biology because I didn't want to spend my life studying something "dreadfully dull," like sea cucumbers or snails. I spoke as if there were some high council of scientists deciding your area of study for you instead of deciding for yourself.
It's a shame. I didn't spend my life at sea with the wind in my hair, with a perfect full body tan, and studying fascinating things beneath the surface. Instead, I went to design school to learn how to design boats, which I did for nearly twenty years. I can count on one hand the number of times I actually got to go out on the ocean in a vessel I designed.
But sharks don’t seem to like me, so it’s probably for the best.
